I look upon the empty impression left behind from another one their late night walks. Resignation embraces me and I cannot even bring myself to shake my head anymore so I stare at the ceiling and remember to breathe.
Beloved, where have you been?
Have you had enough of the nothings
empty bodies promise you?
Did the feeling of her weeds
wrapping around your shaft
make you want to spill her seed inside her
Did you also tell her you loved her
massaging her belling
entertaining the though of
young with her
how deep does the lie go … beloved?
You still there?
I am warmed by the sun. Take me away from this day dream. I roll over. Why are you there? Why have you come back? I thought you did not enjoy being here based on the way you managed to construct this smile as though you love me…as though you like you…but that must not be.
Tell me Beloved,
When you wandered in and out of gardens
not my own
did you find all the colors you were looking for?
did it fulfill every fantasy you’ve ever had
Did it soothe the ache your mother left when she left you
tell me…beloved, you still there?
my garden is multi faceted vibrant
i am my own universe
and you had just barely begun to scratch the surface…
tell me beloved,
are you that afraid of what it looks like
to be with a strong womyn
because maybe it doesn’t fit the shaping
and understanding of examples set before you
tell me beloved
because you often seem to have
so many critiques about them any way
tell me beloved… you still there?
I look over your face and wonder for a split second if I should just be the one to do it, because the truth is something is off and I can feel it. There was something different about you then, in that moment, for reasons unknown then, a wall had been built. Silenced from your truth I was forced to settle for second best, unbeknownst to me. Beloved…you still there? You had no idea but you looked lonely then too.
It’s difficult, because it may sound like
I am upset with you…
and in truth…
sometimes I am
sometimes I’m not
but no longer can we be the cause
of our own self suffering
because in truth beloved
you haven’t been a part of this universe for a while now
and the harm does not physically live in the present
and I’ve laughed more than I have cried
and that’s a blessing on its own…
I walk with you silently…our voices have become mute to one another and when we do speak we’re like a broken record and I can feel my body preparing for whats coming before my mind has had a moment to catch up. You hold me and I listen to the one organ that cannot use words to lie to me. I close my eyes and listen to sound your heart makes. I welcome the vibration each pump makes against my face and smile to myself. Breathe beloved…and you have no idea but I mean that for me just as much as I mean it for you. It’s steadi-er now.
I have to get through, to let go,
to come back more grounded on the other side
so I took a trip and planned a few more
one ways, away, from the lack of motivation
that seems to live here
away from sleeping repeating cycles
that seem to enjoy being stuck on repeat…
Beloved, there’s just not time for it.
So, fuck it…
here’s to getting through
here’s to trying to wish well.